It Seems Like Years Since It's Been Clear

So I never post here about my actual life despite this being my journal, and all. So bscly I have gotten through (I don't want to say "over" because that trivializes it for me and for everyone else who suffers) whatever bout of depression I had had for about a month there. (seriously, it was so awful.) But I feel mostly normal now! Except now I have a month of laziness to pick up after. My room looks like a warzone and I still don't really feel up to it :(

I have four Monster High dolls now: Draculaura and Frankie, plus the Gloom Beach version of Clawdeen, which is cheaper and comes with less but is still really worth it, and the basic Ghoulia, who is PERFECT. Like all nerdy girls want to believe they're Ghoulia. She wears awesome glasses and has awesome hair and wears a piano key belt and a shirt with cherries and a cute necklace and fishnet arm warmers and has knee-hight black, white, and red converse sneakers that, by the way, are like 6 inch heels. And pink zipper-pull earrings. And a diary with a bonus bookmark! eeeeeee. Clawdeen's 80s-looking rainbow cheetah print bathingsuit is a one-piece with a shorts-looking bottom with a cute (sadly attached) belt, and a removable also 80s-looking pink and black striped top. She has 4 earrings: pink, purple, blue, and green. And her hair is streaked with purple! Therefore she is cooler than the other Clawdeen I thought I wanted. Her hair is so frizzy I had to put it in pigtails with elastic bands from her packaging but that's okay. She also came with sunglasses, a frisbee, and a postcard. Oh, and shoes, too, and a brush and a stand, because Monster High dolls come with everything they need. Ghoulia has a stand and brush too, and also a purse that looks like a cassette tape, and her little owl named Sir Hoots-a-Lot who clips on her arm. Oh and did I mention Ghoulia has sparkly eyeshadow like Draculaura? They could have totally skimped on her eye makeup because of her giant glasses, but nope.

We went to Toys R Us last week and I spotted a single Ghoulia behind all the other dolls. Then Boyfriend confessed he'd already ordered one, so being the kind and benevolent person I am, I tucked her back in the back, where I'm pretty sure someone had deliberately hidden her. I hope whoever it was went back and found her! So that night I got the only Clawdeen they had. Then this weekend I got my Ghoulia! So now I have four and I think that's plenty, for now. I put Clawdeen in a pair of Barbie jeans that are super old over her bathing suit, because it's cold! She looks kind of 90s with her little belly shirt and giant baggy jeans.

I Ghoulia and Clawdeen the little bracelets I'd made for them forever ago so now all four of them have matching friendship bracelets. ...yeah, in my spare time I make doll bracelets. This is my life.

Anyway, I also tasted lobster and cried, but I ate a whole shrimp without gagging!

I've been taking a multivitamin (with hair supplement) for a few months now, and also started taking extra (completely safe, don't worry) hair supplement. The result has been my eyelashes are growing like weeds. I know I've mentioned it before, but now even my bottom lashes are getting into it and there's a definite noticable change in how they look without any makeup. This is important news, okay. Better I talk about this than depressing things, right? Also my bangs are getting longer. Which isn't a surprise, because hair does grow, but still, I'm happy. I really hate my bangs :(

I forget if I even mentioned this but my grandmother tripped and broke her foot. She's getting all gloom and doom like ~this is the beginning of the end~ but really, she didn't lose her balance because she's old or got dizzy or fainted or anything, she just tripped. She's being stubborn and not really letting her foot heal properly, but I hope she does soon because diabetics can lose their feet if they aren't careful.

anyways have I mentioned here that Boyfriend makes me play Magic with him? (and I like it?) I should document that in case future Ivy comes to read about her life. (hi, self! HAVE YOU HAD BABIES YET?)

I still collect Hello Kitty stuff too but they don't have any in the Target dollar section so my collecting has dwindled. Which is just as well because I don't need to hoard any more. I did get a tiny package of stickers from the cards/games section at Walmart though (Boyfriend was buying moar magic!11).

oh! Walmart had their Halloween costumes on sale so I got a Draculaura outfit. It fits because I'm short. I'd worried that I'd be too fat, but it fits! So now I have a costume for next year, assuming I can find pink boots by then. Heh.

oh, one last thing, I hope I get one of those cheap mini Lalaloopsy dolls for my birthday. HAPPY BIRTH MONTH TO ME~~ because as you all know I'm obnoxious about my birthday and I celebrate the whole month because I am obnoxious.

I WILL PLAY MOAR SIMS SOON OK BAI.

-4:23 AM

I had a dream I was friends with Victoria Beckham. Actually, I've had several dreams to that effect. They're fun.

Also, my right eye is lighter than my left eye. I'm sure everyone's like that, but I only just noticed mine were like that.

I'm really ready for winter to be the hell OVER already. It's making me feel so horribly depressed I don't want to get out of bed.

-2:13 AM

Sometimes I have good days; sometimes I have bad days. The bad days are often either days of emptiness, days or abject terror, or days or deep sadness, like the kind you get when someone dies (or when someone else has eaten the last piece of candy... yes, my priorities are screwed up.)
I tried to describe that to my parents. I told them that sometimes I feel okay, like things will work out and if I leave the house, the world isn't going to fall into ruin. But some days- most days, really- I feel helpless, terrified, apathetic, sad, angry, generally upset or unsettled...
Actually, I was kind of sobbing when I told them that so I don't think they really knew what I was saying.
When I think of college, or getting a job, or learning how to drive (the three things in my life I should have had a handle on a long time ago) I get the weirdest feeling. It's a mixture of supreme helplessness and hopelessness and a feeling of inadequacy and also some guilt and anger thrown in for good measure. Somedays there's also some futility, like the whole thing is pointless. If I go to college, then what? If I learn how to drive, where will I go? If I get a job, what will I do with the money I learn?
I know that's all very irrational thinking. Obviously there are a lot of very good reasons for a person to go to school/work/learn how to drive a car. But none of them make any sense to me.
My parents are being pretty good about this. After getting supremely upset with me (and wouldn't you get upset with your children if you thought they were lazy?) I finally managed to explain why I can't seem to be motivated. They still don't really seem to completely understand that there's no such thing as snapping out of it and that if you're scared of doing something, doing it isn't going to cure anything. But they're a lot nicer about it now.
And there's a whole lot of guilt, too.
What do I have to be scared or worried or upset about? My friends list is full of people having relationship problems, financial problems, health problems, problems with school or work or anything else that justifies them hiding under their covers.
My life, however, is going okay. I have no major health problems, my parents are still married and have money, I have food to eat every day...
So I feel guilty because of how upset I always feel.
See, the good days aren't really good- they're often good only because something pleasant happens, but they turn to bad days after awhile. After something pleasant happens, I often gain confidence, like maybe everything will be okay if I go to school or get a job or something. But soon after that I feel really scared- I don't want to go out and be a part of the world. I did that already; it sucked. I don't like interacting with that many people. I didn't like learning pointless crap.
All of this general sadness has even seeped into my dreams. Today I had a horrible dream. In it, I befriended this guy whose mother was mentally handicapped (and who also walked with a walker) who had been accused of murder but had been acquitted. So I was considered really sweet for befriending this guy even though everyone thought his mother was a horrible murderer. My great-aunt was at my house with me and my mother and my new friend and the crazy mother, and when my aunt and I were in my room alone she happened to say something mean about the crazy lady... who happened to hobble in at that moment. So I ran out and told my mother that the crazylady was mad at my aunt, and now the light was off in my bedroom. When we went back in, my mother wouldn't let me see all the way inside, but I could see the bottom half of my dead aunt's body. The crazy lady had killed her.
So I don't even have a safe place to go when I fall asleep anymore.

I really don't know what to do anymore. Well, I do, but I don't want to- I keep telling myself there's nothing really wrong with me, all I need to do is stop being lazy. I don't want help because I don't want to get "better". I'm scared of medication; I don't want to lose my ability to write (even that I seem to have lost lately, and that terrifies me because that's all I'm good at doing). I'm also scared of getting "better" because I don't want to do all the things I'd have to do if I didn't have the excuse of being... depressed, or whatever I am.

I think I'm going to go to bed now, I'm having horrible palpitations for no reason and have been for like an hour now, so I guess I need rest.

I'm not turning off comments but I don't want people to feel like they have to say something. Let's just assume you all love me and wish me the best, okay? :)

<33333
-@12:58 AM