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ivyetteSometimes I have good days; sometimes I have bad days. The bad days are often either days of emptiness, days or abject terror, or days or deep sadness, like the kind you get when someone dies (or when someone else has eaten the last piece of candy... yes, my priorities are screwed up.)
I tried to describe that to my parents. I told them that sometimes I feel okay, like things will work out and if I leave the house, the world isn't going to fall into ruin. But some days- most days, really- I feel helpless, terrified, apathetic, sad, angry, generally upset or unsettled...
Actually, I was kind of sobbing when I told them that so I don't think they really knew what I was saying.
When I think of college, or getting a job, or learning how to drive (the three things in my life I should have had a handle on a long time ago) I get the weirdest feeling. It's a mixture of supreme helplessness and hopelessness and a feeling of inadequacy and also some guilt and anger thrown in for good measure. Somedays there's also some futility, like the whole thing is pointless. If I go to college, then what? If I learn how to drive, where will I go? If I get a job, what will I do with the money I learn?
I know that's all very irrational thinking. Obviously there are a lot of very good reasons for a person to go to school/work/learn how to drive a car. But none of them make any sense to me.
My parents are being pretty good about this. After getting supremely upset with me (and wouldn't you get upset with your children if you thought they were lazy?) I finally managed to explain why I can't seem to be motivated. They still don't really seem to completely understand that there's no such thing as snapping out of it and that if you're scared of doing something, doing it isn't going to cure anything. But they're a lot nicer about it now.
And there's a whole lot of guilt, too.
What do I have to be scared or worried or upset about? My friends list is full of people having relationship problems, financial problems, health problems, problems with school or work or anything else that justifies them hiding under their covers.
My life, however, is going okay. I have no major health problems, my parents are still married and have money, I have food to eat every day...
So I feel guilty because of how upset I always feel.
See, the good days aren't really good- they're often good only because something pleasant happens, but they turn to bad days after awhile. After something pleasant happens, I often gain confidence, like maybe everything will be okay if I go to school or get a job or something. But soon after that I feel really scared- I don't want to go out and be a part of the world. I did that already; it sucked. I don't like interacting with that many people. I didn't like learning pointless crap.
All of this general sadness has even seeped into my dreams. Today I had a horrible dream. In it, I befriended this guy whose mother was mentally handicapped (and who also walked with a walker) who had been accused of murder but had been acquitted. So I was considered really sweet for befriending this guy even though everyone thought his mother was a horrible murderer. My great-aunt was at my house with me and my mother and my new friend and the crazy mother, and when my aunt and I were in my room alone she happened to say something mean about the crazy lady... who happened to hobble in at that moment. So I ran out and told my mother that the crazylady was mad at my aunt, and now the light was off in my bedroom. When we went back in, my mother wouldn't let me see all the way inside, but I could see the bottom half of my dead aunt's body. The crazy lady had killed her.
So I don't even have a safe place to go when I fall asleep anymore.
I really don't know what to do anymore. Well, I do, but I don't want to- I keep telling myself there's nothing really wrong with me, all I need to do is stop being lazy. I don't want help because I don't want to get "better". I'm scared of medication; I don't want to lose my ability to write (even that I seem to have lost lately, and that terrifies me because that's all I'm good at doing). I'm also scared of getting "better" because I don't want to do all the things I'd have to do if I didn't have the excuse of being... depressed, or whatever I am.
I think I'm going to go to bed now, I'm having horrible palpitations for no reason and have been for like an hour now, so I guess I need rest.
I'm not turning off comments but I don't want people to feel like they have to say something. Let's just assume you all love me and wish me the best, okay? :)
<33333
-@12:58 AM
I tried to describe that to my parents. I told them that sometimes I feel okay, like things will work out and if I leave the house, the world isn't going to fall into ruin. But some days- most days, really- I feel helpless, terrified, apathetic, sad, angry, generally upset or unsettled...
Actually, I was kind of sobbing when I told them that so I don't think they really knew what I was saying.
When I think of college, or getting a job, or learning how to drive (the three things in my life I should have had a handle on a long time ago) I get the weirdest feeling. It's a mixture of supreme helplessness and hopelessness and a feeling of inadequacy and also some guilt and anger thrown in for good measure. Somedays there's also some futility, like the whole thing is pointless. If I go to college, then what? If I learn how to drive, where will I go? If I get a job, what will I do with the money I learn?
I know that's all very irrational thinking. Obviously there are a lot of very good reasons for a person to go to school/work/learn how to drive a car. But none of them make any sense to me.
My parents are being pretty good about this. After getting supremely upset with me (and wouldn't you get upset with your children if you thought they were lazy?) I finally managed to explain why I can't seem to be motivated. They still don't really seem to completely understand that there's no such thing as snapping out of it and that if you're scared of doing something, doing it isn't going to cure anything. But they're a lot nicer about it now.
And there's a whole lot of guilt, too.
What do I have to be scared or worried or upset about? My friends list is full of people having relationship problems, financial problems, health problems, problems with school or work or anything else that justifies them hiding under their covers.
My life, however, is going okay. I have no major health problems, my parents are still married and have money, I have food to eat every day...
So I feel guilty because of how upset I always feel.
See, the good days aren't really good- they're often good only because something pleasant happens, but they turn to bad days after awhile. After something pleasant happens, I often gain confidence, like maybe everything will be okay if I go to school or get a job or something. But soon after that I feel really scared- I don't want to go out and be a part of the world. I did that already; it sucked. I don't like interacting with that many people. I didn't like learning pointless crap.
All of this general sadness has even seeped into my dreams. Today I had a horrible dream. In it, I befriended this guy whose mother was mentally handicapped (and who also walked with a walker) who had been accused of murder but had been acquitted. So I was considered really sweet for befriending this guy even though everyone thought his mother was a horrible murderer. My great-aunt was at my house with me and my mother and my new friend and the crazy mother, and when my aunt and I were in my room alone she happened to say something mean about the crazy lady... who happened to hobble in at that moment. So I ran out and told my mother that the crazylady was mad at my aunt, and now the light was off in my bedroom. When we went back in, my mother wouldn't let me see all the way inside, but I could see the bottom half of my dead aunt's body. The crazy lady had killed her.
So I don't even have a safe place to go when I fall asleep anymore.
I really don't know what to do anymore. Well, I do, but I don't want to- I keep telling myself there's nothing really wrong with me, all I need to do is stop being lazy. I don't want help because I don't want to get "better". I'm scared of medication; I don't want to lose my ability to write (even that I seem to have lost lately, and that terrifies me because that's all I'm good at doing). I'm also scared of getting "better" because I don't want to do all the things I'd have to do if I didn't have the excuse of being... depressed, or whatever I am.
I think I'm going to go to bed now, I'm having horrible palpitations for no reason and have been for like an hour now, so I guess I need rest.
I'm not turning off comments but I don't want people to feel like they have to say something. Let's just assume you all love me and wish me the best, okay? :)
<33333
-@12:58 AM
