First let me note that despite my penchant for hyperbole, I am not exaggerating. Here are the 10 things I have trouble with while I'm out learning how to drive:
1. Actually stopping at stop signs instead of having an internal monologue that goes like this (and then plowing right through them):
Oh, look, look! There's a stop sign! It says STOP, which means you're supposed to make the car not move any more! And to do that, you have to put your foot on the brake, but not too hard or the car will do that squeaky thing (the instructor's car SUCKS)! So you should slow down first and then kind of stomp on it or this piece of crap car won't actually stop, and then-
Oh, oops, passed it! Oh well.
2. Making a turn and then making the car keep moving after I've turned, instead of taking my foot off the gas after I've gone around the corner and then being just kind of stuck there in the middle of the street. Or, what's worse, making a turn with my foot on the brake.
3. Having any idea what speed I'm going. It doesn't matter what the numbers on the little number-speed-how-fast-you're-going thingie. I think most people know this, but 50 on a highway and 30 on a residential street both feel the same way, which also happens to feel NOT FAST ENOUGH. Or sometimes WAY TOO FAST HOLY GOD. This is why I routinely do 20 on residential streets and someplace around 60 on highways. Or, sometimes I do 30 where the speed limit is 45, and try to go 45 where the speed limit is 30.
4. Having any idea what reaction I'm having to another driver being inconsiderate. Case in point: one time I was driving down whatever the hell highwaystreet that was, and some lady honked her horn about eighty times and then pulled up around me in what I'm sure was some kind of illegal move. My mental reaction was this: Hmm, wonder what her problem is? Should I brake so I don't hit her? Hmm. My physical reaction, however, was a totally different story: I started to shake and drove the car into the median, without having any idea whatsoever that that was happening until my instructor's panicking hands were gripping the steering wheel in a desperate attempt to keep me both on the street and not having the cars behind me crash into me.
5. Coming way, way, wayyy too close to mailboxes. I've never hit one though.
6. Backing out. I have no idea how to do this.
7. Parking. Again, I have no idea how to do this. I think my depth perception is totally messing me up, though.
8. Putting the turn signal on for the direction I'm going. Or putting the turn signal on for the direction I'm supposed to go, and then turning in the other direction (or just going straight.) Somehow, when the signal is on I kind of feel like I've already turned and don't have to worry anymore. I don't really know what's going on here.
9. I either always believe I have the right of way or always believe I don't, leaving everyone else around me totally bewildered as to whether or not I'm going to go.
10. I really need to stop making mental lists of things that I, honest to God, would rather be doing instead of driving, or lists of things I hate about driving/cars while I'm supposed to be paying attention and not having accidents.
A sample of that first list:
1. Going to the dentist. I'd rather have a cavity filled than drive.
2. Going to the doctor. I'd rather have a sinus infection than drive.
3. Accidentally pull some skin off of my eye while removing a contact lens, which I have actually done before.
4. Listen to rap music.
5. Be licked by a dog.
6. Be bitten by ants.
7. Burn my hand on the handle of a pot of boiling water.
8. Have a tension headache, like the awful one I have now. My eyes hurt, my ears hurt, my shoulders and my neck hurt, but I'm okay, because I'm not currently driving a car.
In fact, when I'm at the dentist and they're scraping my teeth (they call this "cleaning") or doing whatever the hell they do with a cavity that makes it hurt so damn much, I comfort myself by saying, in my head: At least you're not driving! Look, see, we're not moving! Yaaaay!
Here's the list of things I hate about driving/cars:
1. How my left hand actually gets so cold it goes numb from the air conditioning hitting it.
2. How my left foot gets bored and starts wandering around where my right foot's supposed to be, because it's getting a cramp from being stuck in the same position for the last half hour.
3. The ugly black/white/orange color scheme that streets have going on. I mean, geez. It's only Halloween once a year, guys.
4. How close mailboxes are to the street. They're BEGGING to be hit, people.
5. How I have to make so many adjustments to get the car to work for me, including sitting on a pillow, pulling the seat as far up as it goes, and pushing down the rear view mirror into the oddest position ever just so I can see into it.
6. How the car never responds to my braking until we're almost in the trunk of the people in front of us and I have to press my foot to the floor, and then the brakes squeal REALLY REALLY LOUDLY, and then my instructor says "You should try going easier on the brakes." I, wait, what? EASIER? Do you WANT to crash this car? Because, yeah, it's old and it sucks, but HOT DAMN WOMAN, I AM NOT CRASHING THIS DAMN CAR, I DON'T CARE HOW LOUD THE BRAKES SQUEAL WHEN I USE THEM. Because you know what's even louder than your God-awful brakes? The sound of metal crunching against metal. Yeah, that's not a good sound, let's avoid that, okay?
One last thing: To the kid that saw me coming from like a mile away and actually drove his bike off the road and waited to get back on the road until after I was safely in front of him: THANK YOU. You probably don't know this, but you're a hell of a lot smarter than 80% of the population of, like, the world. Unlike all of those other children, who seem to think that the car can go right through them. Yes, when a car is coming, you should stop your bike. But not IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET. And don't look at me like that, the street's where cars are SUPPOSED TO BE. I can't just pull over into the grass and let you pass, but, guess what? YOU CAN. And to your parents, who are just standing there and not telling you to get your asses out of the way of that car that's about to hit you, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? These brakes don't work, I have to start braking about a hundred yards before a stop sign or red light, and that's when I'm expecting it. I'm not expecting you to be there, though, so if you want to live to see your prom, GET OUT OF THE ROAD. Seriously, I'll be past you in 30 seconds, it's not that hard. And then you can go right back to the middle of the road that your parents thought was such a great place for you to be playing.
-12:50 AM
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