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So tonight I was bored and the SAG awards were boring so I went and tried on all my old formal dresses, you know, as you do, and here is the transcription of our conversations.
Black dress with mesh top that goes to my... knees? Or slightly above? that I have no emotional connection to because I've never worn it anywhere but it's supercute on me:
Hey, behbeh. We look fabulous. Srsly, go wear me to the grocery store or something, damn.
Cream colored halter dress I have no emotional connection to because I've never worn it anywhere:
Hey, behbeh. We look fabulous from the front. From the back I cling to your backfat, sry 'bout that. Still cute tho.
Red ankle-length halter dress with plunging neckline that I wore to my 11th grade homecoming and is the sexiest dress I own:
Hey, you fill out my boobsacs better now! Except it's way more obvious now that you're lopsided, oops.
Also you make my stomach area stretch, go do some situps, lazy.
Powder blue gauzy dress that looks like it came from a fairytale and is the most gorgeous item of clothing I've ever worn or owned, that I wore to my ill-fated 12th grade homecoming:
Bitch, you got fat. Take me off right now before you break my zipper, or at least, the part of my zipper you can zip, since it won't go past mid-back. Hurry, your backfat shoulderlump whatever this shit is is repulsing me.
I didn't try on my black tenth grade homecoming dress (it's probably too small, but it is pretty stretchy so idk) or my pink prom dress (I'd have needed too much extra help and the thing is taller than I am so I'd be walking on it and it wasn't worth it. And if it didn't still fit, I'd probably have just fallen over dead).
The blue one would fit if I didn't have scoliosis. It makes half my back protrude out like some crazy shit. From the front I do not look like a size 12, no saleslady has ever guessed my dress size even close to that, but because of this stupid hump thing I can't wear smaller dresses. In fact, I suspect the reason the other dresses fit is because they're all very generous around the back area (the black one with the mesh top has a slit in the back... this dress is so perfect, I might take pictures just because, and the other two are halters where the back sits much lower than my shoulderblades and so is okay)
Oh, but that blue dress. The neckline! The waistline! THE SKIRRRRRRT! The flower with the beautiful mesh ribbon! THE FLOWY MESHY SKIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT! It's like it came out of my dreams, I swear. Except blue is like my least favorite color so if it was truly a dream dress it would be pink... but I have trouble picturing it any other way now.
The cream-colored dress was the last I tried on and I ended up just wandering around the house in it, you know, as you do, because I love dresses. I'd totes wander around in the blue one IF IT FIT MY DEFORMITY. JESUS.
It's not even that obvious! People don't go "Aww, look at poor Humpy :(" when I walk past
at least I hope not
BUT SERIOUSLY. PLZ TO BE FALLING OFF, BACK LUMP. RIGHT SIDE, BE MORE LIKE LEFTY.
-ivybdressflower @ 3:51 AM
Black dress with mesh top that goes to my... knees? Or slightly above? that I have no emotional connection to because I've never worn it anywhere but it's supercute on me:
Hey, behbeh. We look fabulous. Srsly, go wear me to the grocery store or something, damn.
Cream colored halter dress I have no emotional connection to because I've never worn it anywhere:
Hey, behbeh. We look fabulous from the front. From the back I cling to your backfat, sry 'bout that. Still cute tho.
Red ankle-length halter dress with plunging neckline that I wore to my 11th grade homecoming and is the sexiest dress I own:
Hey, you fill out my boobsacs better now! Except it's way more obvious now that you're lopsided, oops.
Also you make my stomach area stretch, go do some situps, lazy.
Powder blue gauzy dress that looks like it came from a fairytale and is the most gorgeous item of clothing I've ever worn or owned, that I wore to my ill-fated 12th grade homecoming:
Bitch, you got fat. Take me off right now before you break my zipper, or at least, the part of my zipper you can zip, since it won't go past mid-back. Hurry, your backfat shoulderlump whatever this shit is is repulsing me.
I didn't try on my black tenth grade homecoming dress (it's probably too small, but it is pretty stretchy so idk) or my pink prom dress (I'd have needed too much extra help and the thing is taller than I am so I'd be walking on it and it wasn't worth it. And if it didn't still fit, I'd probably have just fallen over dead).
The blue one would fit if I didn't have scoliosis. It makes half my back protrude out like some crazy shit. From the front I do not look like a size 12, no saleslady has ever guessed my dress size even close to that, but because of this stupid hump thing I can't wear smaller dresses. In fact, I suspect the reason the other dresses fit is because they're all very generous around the back area (the black one with the mesh top has a slit in the back... this dress is so perfect, I might take pictures just because, and the other two are halters where the back sits much lower than my shoulderblades and so is okay)
Oh, but that blue dress. The neckline! The waistline! THE SKIRRRRRRT! The flower with the beautiful mesh ribbon! THE FLOWY MESHY SKIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT! It's like it came out of my dreams, I swear. Except blue is like my least favorite color so if it was truly a dream dress it would be pink... but I have trouble picturing it any other way now.
The cream-colored dress was the last I tried on and I ended up just wandering around the house in it, you know, as you do, because I love dresses. I'd totes wander around in the blue one IF IT FIT MY DEFORMITY. JESUS.
It's not even that obvious! People don't go "Aww, look at poor Humpy :(" when I walk past
at least I hope not
BUT SERIOUSLY. PLZ TO BE FALLING OFF, BACK LUMP. RIGHT SIDE, BE MORE LIKE LEFTY.
-ivybdressflower @ 3:51 AM
